Month: March 2011

I love coffee. It is by far my drug of choice. It wasn’t always that way. As a matter of fact, once upon a time I couldn’t stand the stuff. Well, I couldn’t stand the taste. But, I always found the smell to be pleasant and inviting. Eventually, with some Starbucks and nagging, Stephen wore me down and finally won me over to the dark side. Well, not dark for me. I like it sans sweetener with extra milk or cream.

Since that time, we have become sort of coffee connoisseurs. Stephen invested in a “by the cup” machine and we like to try different roasts, flavors, etc. It’s a bit of a hobby. When we buy it by the bag, we usually store it in the freezer to keep it fresh. However, I learned the hard way that if the bag isn’t sealed well that the coffee will taste just like the freezer. On some level I already knew that could happen as I had heard a tip to leave ground coffee in a bowl in your car, a room, etc to absorb odors. So, I now make sure to keep our bagged coffee tightly sealed!

Lately, I’ve felt a bit like some coffee. It seems as though I have been absorbing the ugliness of the world these days. There is so much disease, illness, death, fear, evil and whatever else out there that it sometimes just gets overwhelming. How do we as Christians know about the trevails of the world without absorbing it ourselves? How can we care and pray and be concerned about other’s burdens without carrying them ourselves? Am I the only one that does that?

I listen to K-Love in my car. There is a song that’s been playing recently in which the lyrics say, “I don’t want to live like I don’t care.” But, is it possible to care too much? This has been a huge struggle for me lately. I do care. I do pray. But I find myself carrying the pain, sadness, worry and grief in some of these situations. And ultimately, that doesn’t do anyone any good! I don’t want to be like the coffee grounds that absorb the “yuck,” but rather someone who offers prayer and comfort like the aroma of fresh brewed coffee.

So these are the questions on my heart tonight. Questions that I have no answers for. Maybe I need to heed the actions of my five year old? Nadie has such a tender heart. She is a prayer warrior! And yet, she lays it down. She lays it down at the cross with the complete faith that God has it under control. Perhaps this is what Jesus meant when He called us to faith like a child? Maybe Nadie can teach me something. I think I will ask her about it in the morning, over my coffee.

As I’ve noted in the “About Us” section, my house is never clean enough for my liking. Never. And I used to be even more neurotic about it until Stephen gave me a gentle yet stern warning that if I didn’t let up a little, it would kill us all. Ok, point taken. Some would look around and say that maybe I’ve let a few too many things go. Possibly. It’s just such a hard balance most of the time! It seems like things never get finished. Projects are always in limbo, which inevitably creates another pile or stack, which leads to more clutter, which leads to heart palpitations for me. It seems like we are constantly under construction of some sort.

At least two times a year, this intensifies greatly. It is a time that I dread because not only is it painful, but it creates the biggest mess that just won’t go away. Changing out the kids warm and cold weather clothes. It creates multiple piles of sell, donate, save for someone else, and throw away. Times two kids. And then there’s always the Mother Nature curve ball of the 80 degree day in November or the 40 degree day in April. So I feel like I have to keep the out of season clothes at least accessible for a while before they are permanently put away. Throw in making the kids try on a bunch of stuff to see if it fits and it’s some fun times.

In conjunction with my mess, this season Stephen has started a construction project of some grout work in our shower. For now, all four of us are using the kids shower. That means I get to try and work my way through the clothing piles as I trapse wet through the hallway after showering in the kids’ bathroom. And notice I said “started” the project. So far all he’s done is let our shower thoroughly dry so he can do the work at a future, yet to be determined date. Part of our 12 Step Program, I guess. However, it’s not optional and it all needs to be done.

I say all of this because it seems never ending. Why is it that my house is always under construction? Mostly, I think that’s just how life is. Especially when you’re raising your kids and they are young. I say that now, but I figure that after the kids are gone there will be other things then as well that will keep us tied up and in a perpetual state of “when I finish this . . .” Meanwhile, we just continue to do the best we can and hope the stacks and piles don’t get so high that we can’t step over them.

I think it’s a lot like that in our spiritual lives as well. I know I am certainly still under construction. God is constantly molding and shaping me to be more Christ-like. More of the person He wants me to be. Quite honestly, it’s not always pleasant. More often than not, it is outright painful and uncomfortable. But it is all part of His glorious plan, and He never lets the piles get so big that He can’t help us over them. And it will continue as long as I am here on this earth until, one day, I will finally meet Jesus and His work in me will be complete! That gives me hope. Not only hope of a functioning shower, but hope of what is to come. Until then, please be patient with me if you happen to stop by and there is laundry on the sofa, or you feel the urge to sign your name in the dust on the furniture. Our home is under construction, and so am I.

Ok, so it’s March of 2011 and in keeping with the Rudolph 12 Step Program, nine months later, I am officially taking the step of putting an entry into the blog. A blog. One of those things that I said that I would never do and couldn’t understand why others wanted to do them either. Why would anyone want to air their business on the the web? Really? My mom always said that you should never write your private business down as it could come back to haunt you. I think that’s good advice. And yet, here I am, writing a blog.

It all started with Oliver. Since he came into our lives in April of 2009, many statements have begun that way. The stomach bug, a virus, complete depletion of our health care spending, ruined carpet, or any other number of things one could substitute “it” for in that sentence. It started with Oliver. He was hospitalized at LeBonheur for his entire fourth month of life. During that time, I maintained a Care Page for him. It was very therapeutic for me to write during that time and I have often wanted to add to it. Recently, I went back and read the contents of the Care Page. I can honestly say that I don’t even recognize many of the words. It reminds me of the poem “Footprints.” As I look back at that time, preserved in the blog/Care Page, there are clearly only one set of footprints. The Lord was definitely carrying us. It encouraged me to go back and see how mightily He had moved during that difficult time. My mind knew it, but my heart needed the reminder.

With Oliver about to turn two, Nadie quickly approaching six, homeschooling, church, and other activities, life is busy. And with some other difficult things that have happened recently, sometimes life is just plain hard. I know I won’t remember these times. I honestly couldn’t tell you what we did yesterday. That is why I am going to give the blog a try. Not only for the therapeutic aspect to me, but also to hopefully preserve some memories of our life in the here and now. Maybe one day I will look back on this blog entry on this phase of life and smile. Maybe one day my kids will look back at it and understand why I am crazy. Maybe one day I will just need a reminder that as I am writing this, Oliver is trying to climb out the dog door and Nadie is playing with her baby dolls. Whatever the case, I know one day I will look back and there will only be one set of footprints.